looking Back!

In the last 35 days, i have been battling with the authorities and frantically searching for my son, speaking to people online begging everyone to take a moment to look at the photographs and see if they can spot them! I have also been looking at my past............ Abu was born on the 14th of October 2004, and he had to be kept in the Neonatal ICU as he had complications due to mine and my husband’s blood groups. Feizal, my ex husband is O positive and i am B negative. I had a miscarriage before Abu and during that time i was not given an injection called the rogam injection which could have stopped my antibody cells to rise when i conceived again. I was not aware of this at that time. So when i conceived again my anti bodies in my blood started rising and it could have affected abu's physical growth or abu could have even been still born.

But by god's grace and the care of my gynecologist who asked me to go to India when i was 5 and a half months for scans and care. I stayed alone in India for 2 months in a hotel and travelled to the Hospital every other day. In all that time my mother would fly down to India during the weekends to be with me and my gynecologist would call to make sure i was ok and check on the medicines! My husband and his family called me twice, once to ask me to go see their relatives who might misunderstand if i dont visit them and the second to ask when am coming back! anyways Abu was fine till he was born.

When Abu was born, he was taken into the ICU! i was not allowed into the ICU except once in 2 hours when i had to pump milk and give so that the nurses could feed Abu! he was so small! and he had plasters all over him with a needle one day on his feet and the other day on his hand! after four awful days they put him in my arms and allowed me to feed him! Finally after one week the doctor discharged him and we were allowed to go home. During this entire episode my mother would stay the nights with me in the hospital and in the morning she would get dressed and leave to work. My mom was, has and is my strength! My mother in Law would come in the evenings but my husband hardly came to see me or Abu!

Around a month after Abu was born, i asked my husband why he does not spend anytime even after work with me or Abu? He was annoyed and he shouted at me and said what have i got from you? why should i stay? I was shocked! I did not understand, i could not stop crying not knowing what he wanted out of a marriage! love? i gave in abundance! understanding? I have never even asked where he go's at night and what he does or even ask for anything to be bought for me! Respect? I have never told his parents anything about him, even if i would be crying and sad when we leave to his parents house on Sundays i will be all smiles when my mother in Law opened the door. I have never ever left home and run to my parents at any time and I have always stood by him and never ever let anybody say anything about him! then what? money? well i gave him everything i had, I helped his sisters wedding, i did everything i could when i was working and gave him all, when he was in debt i gave him all my jewelry including the chain that is tied on the wedding day and is worn by a woman as the symbol........... the only thing he did not get was a dowry! But even before marriage i told him many times that i dont believe in buying a husband with a dowry and hence do not expect one as i wont let my parents do that. What ever, when ever they wanted to give they will. But it was money he was after!

Maybe money is everything! Like the saying money makes or breaks a relationship. The hope of being wealthy overnight made my marriage and the fact that it was not coming soon enough broke it! I am ashamed to have been the wife of a man like this! And I am ashamed I had a child for this man! And today I am ashamed to even say that I knew the ABDUL CADER OSMAN GANI family!

Writing this does not make me proud for this is my confession of my stupidity! I only hope and pray that these people who have done this to me and my child, do not go through the same. For the pain I went through then and the heart ache I am going through now is not something I would want even my worst enemy to go through. God has brought me through so far, he will guide me to find my child as well! I believe!